I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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