phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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