It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
