Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
