Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
