Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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