Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
