Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
