i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
