I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
