Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
