The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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