Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
