pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
