Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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