somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
