i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
