Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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