You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
