Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
