Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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