last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
