dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
