She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
