She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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