Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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