I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
