I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
