My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
