I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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