Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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