I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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