Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
