I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Do vagina's smell?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
