none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
