My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
