i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
