The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i need some magic done to my vagina
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
