I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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