i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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