I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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