I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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