I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
