I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
