Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
