Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
