so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
