highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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