im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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