Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
